Why Boundaries Without Compassion Can Still Hurt You

Sep 21

Author: Mokshvi Shah, BS Northeastern University Student

Published: September 2025

Boundaries are often hailed as the cornerstone of healthy relationships and personal growth. In therapy and self-help spaces, setting boundaries is framed as an empowering act of self-care and self-preservation. And it absolutely can be. But what happens when boundaries become rigid, cold, or punitive? When they’re wielded not with care, but with control? Sometimes, boundaries, without compassion, can hurt us and others more than they help.

At their core, boundaries help define where we end and others begin. They clarify what we’re okay with, what we need, and how we expect to be treated. In this way, boundaries are essential for emotional safety, autonomy, and mutual respect. But boundaries aren't just lines we draw, they're expressions of values, needs, and vulnerability. When they're communicated harshly or used to shut others out, they can quickly become walls instead of bridges.

It’s possible to use the language of boundaries as a shield against discomfort, connection, or accountability. For example:

Saying “That’s just my boundary” in a way that shuts down dialogue.
Using boundaries to avoid conflict rather than engage with nuance.
Setting inflexible rules without considering context or impact.
Cutting people off abruptly without explanation or closure.

While sometimes disconnection is necessary (especially in situations involving abuse, manipulation, or chronic harm), even in those cases, self-compassion and clarity are essential. Boundaries should never be weaponized or used to dominate others emotionally.

What Compassionate Boundaries Look Like

Boundaries with compassion are firm yet kind. They come from a place of self-respect and regard for others. They acknowledge complexity and prioritize connection without sacrificing selfhood. Here are some ways to practice compassionate boundaries:

Using "I" statements: “I need space to process this” is very different from “You’re too much.”
Offer context: If it feels safe, explain why a boundary is needed, this can reduce defensiveness and build trust.
Stay flexible: Some boundaries are non-negotiable. Others may benefit from collaboration and revision over time.
Be self-aware: Ask yourself, “Am I setting this boundary from fear or from care?”

Allow others to have feelings about your boundary: Compassion doesn’t mean over-explaining or backtracking, but it does mean acknowledging the emotional ripple effect of your choices.

Boundaries in Therapy and Healing

For many trauma survivors, people-pleasers, or those raised in enmeshed families, learning to set any boundary is a profound act of growth. But once the pendulum swings, it can be tempting to use boundaries as a way to protect yourself from all emotional discomfort. Healing means finding the middle ground, where you can say no with love, where you don’t need to armor up just to take care of yourself.

In therapy, we often explore where your boundaries are coming from. Are they rooted in fear, resentment, or survival mode? Or are they grounded in self-knowledge and hope for healthier connection?

Compassionate boundaries say: “I care about myself, and I care about you too.” They allow space for humanity, yours and others’, and for relationships to evolve. They are not just about protection but about honoring what’s real and sustainable. You deserve boundaries that honor your wholeness. And so do the people in your life. The goal is not perfection or control, but connection rooted in truth. If you're struggling with setting or receiving boundaries, therapy can be a powerful space to unpack those layers. Together, we can create a boundary practice that reflects your values, not just your fears.